These lyrics hold so much meaning in my life right now.
270 days strong today, and I’m really proud of myself.
But in getting better there are certain battles I’v had to fight on my own and certain things I just need to work on by myself. Such as, learning to deal with who I am and how my past isn’t just going to go away.
I spent a while telling myself I just couldn’t think about it. It really got me upset and I’m realizing that just shoving all these feelings somewhere and trying to pretend that they aren’t there is only going to make things worse and eventually it’s gonna come back and bite me in the ass. So I’m making myself stronger so to speak. I’m taking every part of my past a little bit at a time, taking it into perspective and realizing what I’v done wrong and how never to go back there. I’m learning my faults and the certain attributes about myself that I still have to get rid of. I used to think about my past and hate myself for it, and I can’t anymore. I need to think of it more as growing up and learning. Because although these things only hurt me at the time, they’ve made me a better person.
Changing all of these things about myself and dealing with the past really isn’t easy though. Within the past 270 days I’v changed everything. I understand that it was for the better but I don’t know how to deal with my emotions anymore. I bottle everything up and I try to keep it cool in front of everyone but I cry too much and I don’t have anyone left to vent to anymore because the people I do have don’t need my shit right now. I’m trying to rectify “who I am with who I wanna be with” I’v lost a lot of friends because they led to my downfall, they piled on the shit that made me hit rock bottom. So now i’m changing and i’m figuring out who I want to be but I don’t know who to be friends with. I don’t know who I’m supposed to call on a night like tonight to hang out. I don’t want to be with the kids who are spending tonight getting high, I love them all and they’re some of the funniest people I’v ever met but I can’t do that to myself anymore, I don’t want to it just isn’t cool. I don’t want to be with the people who have stabbed me in the back and will talk about me the second I leave the room. And I don’t want to be with the people who will pretend they don’t know anything about me, the people who will sit around and talk about themselves for hours and not take a second to ask how I’m doing.
I guess it doesn’t really matter because none of these people have called anyway they don’t get me anymore. Sometime’s I feel like I scare them with how much I changed. I’m still the same girl, I just make better decisions. I still laugh, I still joke, I still get it, but I guess you don’t. There’s really only one person who truly understands me now but he has his own friends and his own things to do. I need to find mine.
When I shut everyone out to try to find myself no one waited around, I just wasn’t worth it. So I need to prove to myself that it was all for the best and I can do better because being alone and not having the phone ring once gets hurtful. I know you’re all out there and I know you’re doing the same stuff we’ve done every weekend for years, you’re just doing it minus me. I’m not jealous, and I’m not even that hurt I really do get it, I just wish you hadn’t completely forgotten about me.
I guess my real problem is I need to find a happy medium between who I and who I want to be with. Because I want my friends back, maybe not even back. Maybe I don’t need the same kids, maybe I just need people. I’m never going back to the things I did to make friends though, I’m just being myself this time.
I didn’t post this to hurt anyone, I just really wanted to get this off my chest because this isn’t to or about anyone other than myself.
My birthday’s next month and all I want is a Hank sweatshirt
just so you guys know.
What are you waiting forr?
I’m supposed to be at the Pop Punks Not Dead tour right now.
I just want the Wonder Years.
Is anyone going/wants to go see Kevin Devine with me next thursday?
I dont have a problem going alone but I don’t really want to..
Today I was babysitting at my church for community service.
These twins came in, they were about 2 and their mom stayed while her other kids were at class.
We started talking and she asked me about my boyfriend and I told her how old I was and how we’ve been together about a year.
She told me the story of how her and her husband met,
she was my age and they met on Halloween, 30 years ago.
I met my boyfriend on Halloween last year, and we’ve been going strong almost a year now.
They GMH <3